Tuesday, January 16 2018 07:29 pm

AND THE LOSER IS!?!?!?!?!?!?


A quick note to Mystic Muse! First off I’m a Capricorn, second! I am not having schizoid moments brought on bye being alone / from those long drives across the continent, drinking one to many energy drinks, with my pet Pug, Staring at me like I need to confess to something she does not need to know! Maybe it’s those eyes, kinda like the guy with the criss crossed eyes don’t know who he’s looking at , But he lookin at someone!

Although I do talk to myself, it is considered  healthy for the mind. Gatekeeper is  another entity altogether, a flesh and blood person who helped me create this wonderful place and yes you would be correct in the assumption we write differently! Say he is a different flavor. My personal belief is all things in degenerate moderation which really is like saying the hell with rules! Do it if you are really wanting to do it. As long as no one gets abused, unless that’s Ur thang. I try to stay open minded, but seriously put down the whip!
OK! I just got  lost for a moment. I love freedom of speech isn’t it wonderful, Just think what so many at one point in time actually fought for this stuff, and to think that we could truly lose if we don’t pay more attention that’s scary. Still digressing! but who care’s, in fact I loved that you did that, It is encouraged here, that’s when one gets into the meat of things. For a moment I thought I might know you, but no we haven’t met yet, but I enjoyed your well spun random moments you came out of the dark a little more showed  a different side of yourself  Muse! Or should I call you Mystic? I truly liked that very much, very cool;

So! Where to next? What should we talk about ? Ahhh Yes you are correct with those bastards will go down fighting before they give in. Why are they so afraid of change? Not that I care so much about them, It’s just curious notion as to how some people get caught up in needing to be right to the bitter end. The ship is sinking hellooo! People are not as stupid as you once had them, even with poor education, how hard is it for one to sense right and wrong, George Orwells 1984 Ignorance is strength! War is peace!  Oh crap this shiot really sucks and who out there disagrees?

So Spain wants to go after Bush and Chaney have fun traveling you catatonic Zealots! Brain dead I say, Brain dead. Those lizard’s really have no heart. Cold and calculating. But I have bigger fish to fry!

Bye the way, Great! But did Obamas wife mention about growing heritage seeds?  And while we are here, let us mention that Organic is a lose term. In the early days of Organic farming, you may remember that, anyone could call their stuff Organic, there no qualifications, so it just became a buzz word. It was crazy. It could say Organic and have nothing Organic in it! Now just stop for a moment, because I gotta tell you that puts a pinch in my craw. How desperate does someone have to be, to lie on the package? To purposely mislead? That is evil Zentwistians don’t let anyone tell you different. Everyone of you, who abused that loop hole, please step forward! Thought so! No one? Chicken shit too! Well it took the Real Organic farmers to step up and complain to force change and make rules of what constitutes Organic! Things like, so many years, the ground has to be chem free, so on and so on!

I would like to submit that this still needs some tweaking! ( Meth heads please sit down! ) such as, not to long ago I was shopping in Oregon health food store getting ready to make my famous BBQ sauce and was perusing the Ketchup’s, of course now, I’m wanting organic right?  I’m in a health food store and if it hadn’t been for the name brand, I may have just assumed.

What brand?! Del Monte! This caught my eye, at first I was elated thinking wow these guys stepped it up. ( I used to get pissed at things like this, the thinking being you should have been a leader not a follower, not just because it became the trend, wagon jumpers! I would rather support the ones who blazed the Organic trail when it was really difficult those are the heroes of our day, for they risked  hardships, why should anyone cash in on someone else’s hard work. More on that another time. )

Back to the story! So out of genuine curiosity I took the bottle and read the ingredients, thinking for sure this was a lie! pleasantly it was not. Theirs was cheaper! I became suspicious, hmmm! something is amiss. So I looked at the Two other brands pretty much the same. Then this little voice inside said, look at the bottles Plastic! Hmmm the Organics bottle I turned it over, nice! It was in a #1 The second Organic brand, the same. Del Monte! Drum roll please! DA DUMPT…. #7

Way to go Del Monte! You were so close! Why didn’t you go the extra mile? It was absolutely mind boggling, my head reeled from the lunacy. Why go to all the trouble of putting in Organic healthy food, to then put it in a toxic off gassing bottle, What?! What were you or whom ever the millipede was actually thinking ?! Saving a few bucks, putting it in cheaper plastic? WOW I was still trying to fathom, trying to make sense of a nonsensical moment. I was experiencing Insanity! Someone Else’s!  But none the less it was like a demon had crawled inside my very being, I was gasping for air, couldn’t speak in audible syllables. I thought for sure this may be the end when I heard a voice. Not so little, it was a man I looked close and read the label on his apron> ( Store Manager ) He looked concerned. Suddenly his words broke through the chaos. Can I help you? Yes! Yes! I heard escape from my lips. How can this be Organic if it is in a #7 plastic bottle? How is that possible? Explain it to me,Please?!

The store manger reached out to me, In my confusion I thought he was trying to console me. Then I realized he was merely wanting to see the bottle. He read the bottle carefully then turned upside down, then not with as much surprise, more like a mild shock, he said ( I had no idea! This is not Organic!  This is coming off the shelf immediately! Yo A Zen Twist Victory!

For one moment I had a glimpse of what it could really be like all over the world. People caring and not compromising, themselves or others. That healthy is healthy there is no in between no gray area, just because the law says so, doesn’t make it so. We’ve become a nation of confusion and rhetoric. Lies have replaced truth, because it’s convenient and easy to do. Kinda like the in thing.(  Hey the Johnson’s are doing it! ) All you have to say is that is the truth and it is! Like politicians telling flat out lies  on their opponents, with complete disregard of the damage it causes, all for the sake of winning. This countries values have taken a beating at the hands of unscrupulous men and they say its all fair?!  Boundaries got lost some where, and we are to busy struggling to survive to care, or feel powerless to do anything that would seem significant enough.

They govern us .Who governs them?  Never forget You and I do!!

Peace ~Zen Twist


18 Responses to “AND THE LOSER IS!?!?!?!?!?!?”

  1. mysticmuse Says:

    Dear Zen…
    ……did you know that arsenic, lead, cadmium, formaldehyde, mercury and uranium are all Natural Ingredients?
    They are Organic, in other words came from the earth, just like Dirt.

    Yes, they can put Dirt into your food, and call it Organic and Natural.
    (and probably do)
    Or pig blood….ewww. Seems now that everyone’s on the bandwagon for goodness ….because it’s becoming profitable…. we as consumers have to look for some official Seal from some official Organization. Then I guess we google it, and put our time in, just to see if it’s a lie.

    Yes, black is white, and white is black….…except for our President, who’s both. And I’m like Pooh Bear…..I like Both.

    Plastic packaging….yuk! and people have to educate themselves on this one too….more work. You can be drinking spring water cause it’s healthy, and poisening yourself with the container. Oy.
    And is your Famous BBQ stuff going in plastic or glass?
    Big decisions here Zen…!
    ( Zentwistians? Do I qualify yet? Do I get a decoder ring and ID card for my wallet? )

    So those bigger fish to fry…..are those the ones you caught recently?
    And how do you prepare them please…..with your famous red stuff?
    Hmmm…that’s one I never tried…..scuze me, I’m hungry…..be back later.

  2. gatekeeper Says:

    As for you being a Zen Twistian, I’ll take a page from my favorite author, Robert Anton Wilson:


    In other words, no one can define you but you – another way he said it was, instead of the saying “Every man and woman is a star, ” he pokes fun at the US Government’s somewhat fascist use of the title “Tsar”:

    “Every man and woman is a Tsar.”

    I’m big on the idea of defining yourself, and defining your own viewpoint on reality – but also realizing the subjective nature of existence. There is only objectivity in concept – but absolutely everything is up for interpretation by anyone at any time.

    So, let me ask YOU: are YOU a Zen Twistian? :)


  3. mysticmuse Says:

    Dear Gatekeeper..
    I like this guy. I too define my own reality (hopefully stopping well before that fine Sociopathic line), and so perhaps I’m a bit of a RAWian…. Must read some of his stuff. I definitely belong to this little club, but methinks the title is for someone else to decree, as the definition is as yet, much too vague. You’re deep, aren’t you?

  4. mysticmuse Says:

    To Gatekeeper and Zen…..
    I said I’d be back, and I usually do what I say I will….Usually. Always and Never are always a lie.
    I remember once running a little restaurant in a new age center called The Whole Earth Marketplace. Sounds Cool, huh? The owners were real Groovey, but they counted their change. I wanted Not to use Styrofoam cups. They decided that paper cups were too expensive.
    I had trouble with this, as it was also a Recycling Center…..
    hee hee …..oh yah. ….. I quit.
    I hate Styrofoam. I remember being on a controlled substance ( once long ago, in a faraway land ) and when I fondled a plastic cup, I found myself so repelled, I nearly lauched it. It was Dead…Not Organic…and my ultra sensitive fingertips picked up on that. We joked at the time that the ETs had dropped it off for us, it felt so not-of-this-world.

    I think, no I believe that our bodies and all their magical senses Know a whole lot more than we give credit or credence to. I think that school should include True sensitivity training ( not the 60s Esalen experiments, although they were onto something), where we are helped to recognize what Truth and Beauty and Real are. How long do you think it will take for that to come about?

    Will it take the spaceships landing, like in “the Day the Earth Stood Still”, telling us to GET IT TOGETHER!! OR ELSE!! before all us rats and chickens (they just hate change and love to run the same routes, the same routines, the SAME…just like Humans) decide we can consider change, look at change, try change, and let our Brains override our Fear and Habit, and just Jump and Trust???

    Ok…going now…..and Zen…..you can call me MysticMuse.

  5. gatekeeper Says:


    You know, there aren’t many people who will give up a source of income for their principles. I definitely admire that.

    You describe that feeling of disgust for that “alien substance” so well, it reminds me of a time when my wife and I were stopping into a convenience store for a drink… And I pulled my money out of my wallet. For a moment I just stared at it and had the realization that it was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever beheld. I cannot explain it completely. It repelled me so much. And then I saw this ridiculous, artificial concept as appalling, because of all the awful, violent, heartless acts committed to acquire more of it. How can such a simple piece of paper have so much power?

    I think you may have had a similar realization!

    I know, it’s rather obvious what I’m saying about money here, but that moment, for me, was the absolute… like the most vivid realization of the ugliness of it all. Now I not only knew it in my head, but in my heart.

    My life changed after that moment. I still need money to survive in this society, sure, but accumulation of wealth for wealth’s sake just does not interest me at all, and in fact, disgusts me.

    Sensitivity training would be an amazing thing. How would one go about implementing it in such a rigid civilization? You mentioned Esalen – perhaps not their approach but the intent that they had/have, True sensitivity training could start in earnest on a small scale, like that, but with a very scientific approach (as much as can be when dealing with forces that are unseen). The data could then be brought to the attention of the “greater” scientific community (I use the term “greater” with a block of salt)… perhaps in time the general public would embrace it. (Side note, I adore Big Sur)

    Ahh, but we’re the dreamers, aren’t we? Thing is, we know that dreams have a lot of power to drive us.

    And maybe it will be as you pose it – only when humanity as a collective is snapped out of their materialistic slumber by some great catalyst? Maybe that’s the only way for a change of that magnitude to take place?

    Wow… that got out there, thanks! I love these types of discussions, as, after the fact I always have a greater appreciation and understanding of something.

    Take it easy!


  6. Zen Twist Says:

    Wow! There is some real conversation goin on here! Just where the hell have I been?!

    That is admirable of you MysticMuse! ( AND yes I would call you a Zen Twistian! The more you write, the more you reveal of yourself and it is good ) Your Principles\Morals\Ethics\Beliefs are higher than most. Some people just don’t get it! Although blame still lie’s with each individual, there is still some to spread to those who first created the system and those who further its existence, passing it along, maintaining its order\continuing prevalent numbness to complete insanity. Whether one believes in the great Conspiracy! Races of Grey Aliens, supposedly nasty bastards or, and a Reptilian Lizard race not pleasant either I am told! ( george bush! By Lizard believers is a cross breed of them wouldn’t surprise me one bit. One thing holds true! That humans have been, for the most part their entire lives been held to a sub level standards where choices+needs\desires does not = reason.

    This system I speak of reduces people through shame\guilt\fear! Whether it be job= ( money-bills+food+home+car)\travel time+expenses ( X factor includes Spouse X Children + school + health care, squared by number of children + Spouse = STRESS and self loathing!!!!
    Then there is ( Looks x material wealth and gain. ) What I have, compared to what you have! Who cares if it makes one have a loss of sense of self, and deeper purpose! We’ve been trained to seek outside to fix within. Where in any of this does anyone have time for real spirituality\self discovery\the bigger meaning of life! Whitley Striber! ( Hope I spelled his name right?! ) We have been reduced to ants on a mountainous human scale! With Religious whores knocking at my door on Sundays, wondering aloud why I don’t go to church?! Who are these people?!

    Seriously this happened yesterday, Why I answered the door! I don’t know, because I knew who it was, and I guess I should have been pissed because they woke me up, but I was still polite! Yet the older woman seemed nary a care, even after she could clearly see that I was still in my robe she still had to ask, ( Most likely to initiate dialogue! I swear evangelistic portable telemarketers is all they really are! And just what is their form of payment? A better seat next to God? )
    Did we wake youuuu???? She asked without emoting any real care.
    Anyway with my eye’s puffy and hair amuss, I answered nawww I was just getting a really great blow job, from this hot stripper I brought home last night, while watchin some cool animal porn. till your insistent knocking killed my rock solid hard on!
    Zennnnnnnn!!!!!!! Shame on you!

    No I didn’t say that! Sure thought it though. anyway The young girl who accompanied her took one look at me and said we have information.
    I politely took it. Bamm! that’s all she needed she went right into her pitch. I gently said this isn’t necessary but thank you.
    She had to get that last line in which Ive heard so many times! Well do you ever go to church? The young girl asked! Do you ever get laid! My mind screamed in thought only! Why is it these guys have that thing, like some how I’m not quite right, if I’m not going?
    No I said! She looked at me in what can only be considered utter astonishment.
    “YOU DON”T GO TO CHURCH?” Like I was the only person left and the first person she ever met on earth that didn’t go.
    Ive been! It’s not my thing! She started to say something else. I knew It was now or never. I cut her off politely with. “We don’t really need to do this” I gently shut the door, to a pair of bewildered eyes. Man its like having ants invade my house! Crap there’s that analogy again! Must be some new strategy they came up with.

    It is a machine, that has nothing to do with life itself. Just Slaves on an unimaginable scale. Well someone imagined it. That’s what all those prophets were trying to tell us, there is so much more and we are in a traffic jam going nowhere and deep down we know that! Stay with me here I’m not saying life is pointless! I’m actually saying it is! It’s a whole lot more, than we are being given a chance for, and we should be pissed off, for we have been told, lies since ancient times. I should feel good that I worked my ass off so that a few could reap exorbitant profits! I should be proud and grateful, I worked 10, 15, 20 years for a company, who in the end forced me to retire, and take a buy out, which amounted to shit being flung in my face, companies failed not because they were bad Ideas just mismanaged by greedy hogs slopping at the troughs. Who’s answer to the problem was push you out and hire someone younger\dumber\cheaper to work the same job. so they could keep on slurping. YUMM YUMM!

    If they could feed you shit and get away with it, you know just what they would do! Stop being afraid, Talk back, fight back, be someone who doesn’t just want to, need to, or has to; more simply just live to! Being is what really counts!

    ~Zen Twist

  7. gatekeeper Says:

    Heads up to MysticMuse! Last night I sent you a short email to the address you registered with – just FYI so you know it’s actually from me.

  8. mysticmuse Says:

    My head is up, and thanks for your note. Just sent you one. later….MM

  9. mysticmuse Says:

    Good Morning Zen & Gatekeeper!

    Yeaaaahhh! It’s Spring! The Sun has returned…it’s a miracle!

    You know, the funniest story I ever heard about those creeps coming to your door at 9 in the morning, suited up, briefcase in hand…..was:

    So it’s a little cabin in the woods. Not complete isolation, but definitely back roads. Little church ladies knock on the door at 9am, uninvited. (RUDE!…didn’t their moms teach them basic manners? which is my usual reply, after years of enduring attempts at conversation)
    Well, seems there’d been a skater party the night before. You know, where whoever passes out first gets artwork on their face? In very colorful permanent markers……….. you see where I’m going here.

    So this very alternative 20 yr old has just fallen out of bed, and opens the door, and obliviously stands there while these idiots blather on about god. He’s got chopped calico bleached hair, nipple ring, and hasn’t looked in the mirror to view the red and blue and green magnificence of his face and hands.
    The rest is left to our imagination. He never said what he said, or what they said ( he likely didn’t remember much ), but you can well imagine, and it creates hilarious movies for me.
    Especially later, when he finally looked in the mirror.
    Just imagine how hard they worked, just to keep up their rap and act
    normal, in the face of that! And what they talked about later….!

    On Numbness… it’s a plot. Yes it is. We’re all kept so busy just trying to keep up, in a world full of distractions, and hooked on shallow TV. Too much input. Mediocrity is the enemy. And it feeds itself, while those in charge rake it in, and are busy doing whatever they’re really doing with
    all that money and power.
    OK … have you two ever read any of Zecharia Sitchin’s books…?
    12th planet, Book of Enki, very spacey literally, and I think you’all
    would enjoy them, especially Zen; he seems to have a mystical bent. They are translations from the oldest texts on the planet, from Sumeria, and over 6,000 years old. They tell an amazing story of our true beginnings on this planet, and a lot about who we really are.

    Book of Enki is a great beginning. And just to titillate your brains ( and lend credence for the skeptic ), these texts include a Description of our Solar System, Exactly….but from the Outside in! They even describe the relative sizes of the planets, and their colors and essences.
    Remember, we didn’t discover Pluto til the 1930s !
    They also describe another planet that is part of our system, not discovered yet. It answers a lot of questions, and Religion’s source is part of it. Religion is just another way for controlling the masses, acquiring riches and elitist behavior, and I guess you can tell by now that I don’t go to church either.

    Have a great day…..I’m going Gardening!……..MysticMuse

  10. Zen Twist Says:

    OK! So we’ve definitely gotten past the whole getting to know you phase. Very funny story! I laughed more than once and I get that your not a church follower. I shall read those books when I get a moment or two.

    Keeping in line with that thought of books to read is the “Gods of Eden” By William Bramley. He was one of the Professors brought in to transcribe the Sumerian Tablets. What I love most is his honesty in the beginning. His belief system was not of any Alien Origin. In fact he started out trying to piece together what really causes war; his research took him down a path he initially would not have gone down had he known from the start where it would lead . It would have been to preposterous, for him to imagine. Gods of Eden is actually in the middle of a series of books on the subject. yet it truly is the best to start with for it covers from beginning to quite recent. Everything you can imagine including questions one may have had their entire lives about so many things; the hows and whys of it all. While his other books cover each time period in finer detail.

    I am sure there are more than one book, that covers, these issues and it sounds like you’ve read some of them, that ,I have not! This was one of those books that really woke me up, at times blew my mind, for it is deep and complex in thought and truth.

    Sometimes it saddens me that our world can be reduced to such mindless horrid atrocities all for the sake of what? Power? Money? Sex? Why do we have this need? or do we? Some say that we are manipulated, and conditioned, into hating and killing, as I get older, I find myself sometimes, on two parallel worlds. On one hand I hardly watch TV, Serious gore and violent films are a turn off. Halloween?! Give me a break Hey! Lets teach people how to slash, gash and mutilate! I made it one minute walked away, that’s not scary its physco!
    Yet I enjoy watching UFC fighting, could be the athlete slash warrior in me, I did box many years ago I was also trained in hand to hand combat when I was sixteen by some crazed Airborne Ranger who thought it was a good idea on a nightly basis that I know how to protect myself.

    ( More than once somewhere out on a farm in northern Calif farmland, a young boy could be seen by the local neighbors running for his life being chased by a half drunk Ranger whom was shouting ” Come back you chicken shit ” The young man responding in kind, while still running ” NO! That shit hurts ” Yet honestly?! I can’t argue that it didn’t make a difference, saved my ass once or twice.
    So my relating is different to the whole thing. I see from another set of eyes. Yet! There is my quandary. I question myself and my own ethics. I guess that’s better than questioning nothing.

    It is a pleasure communicating with you MysticMuse I look forward to more conversations. I will now go in my! Garden and play!

    Be well
    ~Zen Twist

  11. mysticmuse Says:

    hey guys…..HAPPY EARTH DAY! go out and dig the earth…..
    with every nuance intended, savored and enjoyed……….MM

  12. gatekeeper Says:

    Thanks! Sorry, I’ve been busy over the past couple days… Ahh I love working with the soil. When I lived in an apartment for a while, that was something that before then, I always took for granted. Now I appreciate it as something that I want to do, as it enriches me as a human being. There’s nothing like getting a beautiful gift from the earth, especially when, through the process, you put so much work to cultivate and improve the health of the soil, those results, like, holding a perfectly ripe, fragrant, natural Tomato, something that you KNOW is healthier than 99% of the produce out there, and knowing that it was your own hands.. your effort, your hard work, and it all contributes to healing the earth. I love it.

    This year I let a lot of weeds grow in the back because I noticed that the ladybugs were THRIVING in this particular plant that the Arabs call “Khubasey.” The aphids love it, hence, the ladybugs love it. Now, with all the predator insects roaming, I haven’t sprayed once, and even though I only use organic pest control, this year has been more trouble-free than previous years, simply by letting nature take its course.

    This “Khubasey” – scientific name malva rotundifolia, also has MANY health benefits, and is edible. My step father is arab, and hence, I have many arab family members. They cook it with garlic, lemon, onions, etc… It is SUPER healthy.


    Some of the health benefits/conditions that it treats:
    Purgative anti-inflammatory
    Kidney stones
    Chest diseases
    soothing and emollient for the skin
    acute enteritis
    gastro intestinal disorders
    buccal-pharyngal infections

    I knew that some people ate it (I have), but I never knew until recently that it had immense potential for holistic medicine.

    I did a bit of research after my grandmother saw the plants in the back and she said “That looks like a plant that used to grow wild on our property in MA (Mansfield, MA), and a pharmaceutical company paid us one year to harvest it for them.”

    Go figure! And it just so happens to be one of the best plants to allow to spread to balance insect populations. It grows wild pretty much EVERYWHERE, every spring in California.


  13. mysticmuse Says:

    Gatekeeper! I love the pictures you add to your notes. And what an interesting plant. I’ll have to find out more about it. Seems to be especially good for the digestive tract. Excellent. You are a very interesting person…very sincere, earnest, sort of a straight arrow, likely very practical, mental, and are open to so many things that perhaps are new to you. I think cooking and gardening are such important aspects of one’s life, especially for a man. Not to be too sexist, but persuing them develops a man’s feminine side: nurturing, gentleness, and the intuitive.
    Just as developing tangible, practical, focused activities adds balance to a woman. I think the perfect blend of male and female in one’s person is a
    life long journey of discovery.

  14. mysticmuse Says:

    Zen !
    ok, that is really interesting that you as well have been reading translations of the Sumerian tablets. I must check out the book you mention. Sitchen is also a major translator, and works in several of the most ancient languages on the planet. wow… we Are in the same club.

    You mention Halloween, and you know what? I have never watched even one of them, and Never Will! What’s the Point? Stupid.

    But you, as a man, have to deal in a world that is truly different from mine. I never appreciated it until I had a companion who’d been in the military, and after his descriptions of His reality in a Man’s World, I began to understand the quandry. You guys get challenges all your life, and you have to be prepared to respond quickly and properly.
    Violence may not be your thing, but meeting Violence must be clean, quick, and smart.

    I think learning basic defense, in whatever discipline you choose, is a necessary part of a man’s world right now. We’re still dealing with cavemen mentality, you know. WE are the exception.

    And so, you think you know me already? Interesting.
    I am happy that you find me familiar, but surely you will discover that
    I am an onion, and yes,
    I might even make you cry.
    I on the other hand, have no such notion regards you.
    Getting familiar with someone through one’s thoughts, issued with words on paper (or the air) is delightful, but deceptive. The presenter is ever conscious of the presentation, and packaging is half of sales.

    Isn’t it interesting that sometimes we will tell a stranger a story that we may not have told a loved one. We can reveal ourself in bits and pieces, some here, some there, but to give them all in one place feels too risky.

    One’s mind can grok anothers, yet that is just mind.
    It’s all levels of reality together that comprise a spirit animating a body, and we are indeed as unique as snowflakes, and just as fragile.

    One can never truly know another, even in a lifetime.
    We can choose to find this frightening, but it is also fascinating.
    It might be possible to never get bored.

    As we are ever-changing creatures, each new face meets the others’,
    and a multitude emerges, in the great dance. Marvelous.

    So, I am enjoying the dance as well, and may it continue.

    Yours in the Dance……………..MysticMuse

  15. gatekeeper Says:


    Thanks! I like adding visuals. The seeds of that plant are most interesting, they form in a round disk… with a center “spoke” and exactly 11 seeds… every time it’s 11. I originally thought maybe there would be 12, kinda like the solar/zodiacal wheel.

    I wouldn’t call myself a straight arrow, I mean, I live as honestly as I can, and I value truth in others, but as far as how my mind works, my style of writing might conceal the fact that I’m rather scatter-brained. Sometimes I have a few too many irons in the fire, yet, lately, I’ve definitely honed my focus on a few key projects – two of the biggies are this site and my art work. This past year has been my most prolific year in art, probably not coincidentally also the same year I’ve struggled to make ends meet because of my lack of steady work. But, do what you can with your circumstances… and I have, more than ever.

    It’s funny, you mention balancing the feminine with the masculine… And this coincides with an interesting phase in my life where I was experiencing sheer panic… anxiety in the worst form I’ve experienced. I kind of consulted a couple of oracles that I’d had previous experience with – the tarot and i-ching. Both readings seemed to indicate an imbalance and a need to integrate a feminine aspect… Most to-the-point was the I-Ching Hexagram 23: Bo. (Splitting Apart) (The Tarot Card that had prevalence during that time in my readings was XIV: Temperance)

    I don’t claim to be an expert in the I-Ching, but it definitely seemed to indicate that sort of imbalance. The Book I consulted said something about a house without a foundation, and that the yin forces were about to overtake the yang, collapsing the house.

    DURING THIS TIME…. I felt, in almost daily episodes, often times with many instances of these “bouts” with anxiety throughout a single day… These episodes were strange… I’d be working, or reading, or doing something on the computer, and then I’d immediately feel a wave of “something” overtake me, and I’d feel an isolation, inexplicable… I’d become completely immersed in the inner vibe I was feeling… definitely not positive. I’d even have these kind of waking dreams, much more vivid and out of my control than a mere daydream… I’d have these impressions of places and people, and during these episodes in the “bubble” as I call them, these places and people were familiar. Then, I’d snap out of it, and, just as in a dream, I’d only recall fragments and the familiarity would fade.

    Strangest time I’d ever had, and it lasted on and off for a few weeks.

    I started doing more gardening after that, and that’s the strange part, because I never really latched onto any one thing as a means to balance myself out, so it may have been rather subconscious…. but things definitely improved after that. I haven’t had another year like it. That was 2003, and it was the year of my first full-blown panic attack… the same night we officially went to war in Iraq that year. I had been watching news all day. I stopped watching the news so obsessively after that, and what do you know! Less stress. I still keep informed but at my own pace, and I don’t let these fear mongers shove it down my throat via nightly dose, just before hitting the pillow. Yeah, not the most healthy thing to do if you value sanity. I really think that watching the mainstream news and taking it absolutely seriously is an exercise in controlled insanity and delusion on a mass level.

    Openness… that is a quality that I prize. Not necessarily doe-eyed, innocent openness, though there is always a time for that! But, here’s the thing. I spent the first 20 years of my life as a regular church-goer. Let me preface by saying that I still love many aspects of the faith but I don’t align myself with any sect, denomination, religion, etc.. That does not mean that I have not learned to love the beauty of MANY religions since then. In fact, I think that since then, I have grown to understand my spiritual roots more profoundly than before. I had to do that on my own terms, though. It had to be that way.

    But leaving the church, I feel it allowed me to branch out. I developed that quality of openness more than ever after that. For a while I resented the church. It took me a long time to even be able to look at Christianity again in a new light. Again, I do not chose a religion nowadays, but I have delved into many faiths, learning as much as I can in an effort to understand them more. And I have plucked many jewels from them through the journey. I still love to pick up a book on a different faith. Right now I am reading much about Sufism. My step father is Muslim, and now I feel like I’m finally learning some of the essence of that faith, again, on my own terms. I know not all Muslims see Sufism as a valid branch of Islam but to me that is besides the point. Exploring has revealed to me countless common threads between faiths. It’s the essence that matters in my opinion. If it weren’t for me being able to open myself up like that, I would never have grown at all. And I definitely have to give a LOT.. and I mean a hell of a lot of credit to my wife. She saved me from myself, and she helped me to find myself. To be ok with myself. To learn, gradually, to love myself. I don’t even know if I knew really how to express love before I knew her.

    And on that note – your last post to Zen, on the subject of how much one can know another? I’ll add… and by the way, I agree, there’s only an approximation, an idea of who and what someone is at their core. But, I think, only through another loving soul can you even start to know yourself! I look at my life before I met my wonderful lady, and it’s not even me. I have a hard time reconciling those two eras. Like it was a life before this one.

    For that, I feel very, very lucky.


  16. mysticmuse Says:

    Judging by your writing, I would never call you scatterbrained, but I must accept you at your word. It’s your sincerity and openness that led me to use the words Straight Arrow.
    I know well the quandary of making ones living through ones art.
    You end up living by Faith….ah, but we all live by faith….. we just don’t know it most of the time.
    I checked out your art, and I really enjoy it. Do you use color as well?

    Your description of your bouts of panic and such, almost sound like moving in and out of other dimensions. How strange. And it was the gardening ….. the Grounding if you will……that broke you free?
    I find this so intriguing. I also wonder if there was any dietary connection.
    You mention the I Ching, and the Asians are very conscious of the inner balances of their 5 Elements, and use herbs and foods to balance with.

    I do not like the News. It is fear mongering, and has become a way to control the masses, a distraction, a divide and conquer.
    I just watched a film on Edward R Murrow, and he warned that the news broadcasts were on their way to becoming entertainment, distraction and money machines, instead of journalism. And that was a long time ago.

    He also was hugely instrumental in blasting apart the hold that Senator Joseph McCarthy had on the country at that time. Once he took on McCarthy publicly, McCarthy then, of course, accused him of being a communist sympathizer, and I think at that point enough people saw the game for what it was. He was investigated, censored, and relieved of his position in the Senate. Eisenhower even came down on him publicly.

    I think you are indeed a very fortunate man. I use the word fortunate instead of lucky, as I do believe it is earned. Finding the appropriate companion in life can surely be one of the most important decisions one makes. It sets the tone for so much more.

    There are many things that can awaken……and certainly Love….a true and nurturing love for and from another, is one of the more pleasant ones.
    Thank you for sharing such tender moments…….


  17. mysticmuse Says:

    a quick ps…..is there any way to erase Zen’s double-speak published above? thanks…..

  18. gatekeeper Says:


    As far as becoming more grounded, there is a bit more to it than that… I hesitate to go into it here, in the interest of anonymity, but I’ll send you an email explaining the other aspect of that.

    Is the movie you’re referring to “Good Night and Good Lick?” When that was in the theaters, my wife, my mother and I went to see it… Good flick for sure.

    More soon!


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